I’m Drowning. September 23, 2009

I can’t stop worrying about anything for more than a second.
Its half things that don’t matter, the other half are things that matter most to me.

It frustrates me, stresses me out, makes me depressed, makes me anti-social, makes me act differently than who I am.. it makes me not me. Which upsets me pretty bad.

I was counting down the days to goto Portland with friends. My worries pretty much ruined my entire trip… and my constant apologizing for being annoying and/or actually being annoying more than likely got to my friends, which was the biggest worry I had on my mind from the moment we landed: that I shouldn’t be there, that I didn’t belong, that I was a fifth wheel and was a burden to everyone. Lo and behold, my constant worrying about that scenario is what caused the outcome of that happening.

I defeat myself with my worrying. I presumed with worries that those things would happen, and they did. If I had the ability to just not worry about it and go with the flow, not once would I have cared or looked into every single little thing that occurred. But I did. And now I’m laying here, not able to sleep, feeling perhaps the most depressed I have been in a long time, all because I over-worried I’d annoy my friends and lose them forever, and that thought is enough for me to feel completely worthless and defeated. Its enough to have ruined my own vacation, maybe even theirs. Its enough to have kept me crying for an hour, to have made me cry the last four days just because of my own stupid worrying.
I’ve lost friends throughout my life. And it was because of me worrying about pushing them away and being annoying, and me apologizing for being annoying or whatever.. when that never was the case. In my mind, it was. In reality, if we subtracted my non-stop worrying.. chances are it wasn’t like that at all. But it was my worrying that did it in the end.
I don’t want to lose them like everyone else.
The very aspect of it seriously makes me feel on the brink of a panic attack.
Which was why I came to type on here.

This hurts so bad.

And who can I tell? I feel like I can’t mention this to them merely because my worries tell me by even speaking I’ll annoy them. I mean, really, what am I supposed to say anyways? “Hey you know how I annoyed you by apologizing for being annoying when I wasn’t until I started apologizing? Sorry for that.” I mean, all that would accomplish is repetition and bringing it back up would make it worse.

I feel like as soon as I go home I’ll never see them again. Or it will never be the same.

And that, I know is just more worrying. But I honestly can’t help it.

What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I just NOT worry for like ONE second of ONE day? And I understand its good to worry about valid worries.. but obsessing over valid worries to the point I am isn’t good.

Things were so awesome Friday night. We all laughed, had good times, had deep convos, the works. The second we landed, I went into hyper-worry mode. Nothing even triggered it. I just.. couldn’t stop. I hardly talked the whole time out of the fear that if I spoke, it’d be ignored, or scoffed at, or say something stupid, or annoy them. Then finally, FINALLY the last day I stopped worrying for basically the whole day. Then it all resparked just.. for no reason. Of course, I worried all day, but it was about stupid unimportant things. But the bliss of not worrying about severely important things wasn’t long-lasting.

My friends are truly the most important thing to me in my life. When something happens, I turn to them. When I’m off work, I want to hang out with them. I don’t know what I’d do without them, I don’t really have anyone else, they all abandoned and left me or I pushed them away with my worrying.
I gotta stop. I’m making myself cry.

I don’t want to be like this anymore.
Its so hard.
It controls my life.. like, my every action I make is based off of a worry I have.
Its like the worst feeling in the world thinking ‘so-and-so would be better off without me.’ and then believing it based off your own worries.

Hm. August 3, 2009

I feel like I’ve been anti-social for some reason.
Nothing comes to mind as to why I would be.

And no ones mentioned anything about it.
So I’m pretty sure its just me thinking that.

Dunno, just feel detached from things lately. Sleep deprived, methinks.

Speaking of, I should be asleep. Going to work in 9 hours.
Its been a weird week.

Hey there, stranger. July 29, 2009

I forgot about this blog. I apologize to my few (very very few) faithful readers (or the ones who just happen to remember this even exsists when they browse over the bookmark for it on their firefox toolbar).

Things are good. I’m quite content right now.

Vacation soon, and I’m stoked. Its going to be amazing.
Saw Local H. I shit all over the floor. Not really though. I could have, because the combination of how fucking amazing it was mixed with how incredibly loud they were was enough to rattle some shit nuggets loose.
It was still awesome though, haha.

Been a good month, despite the drama, depsite the shit, its been a good month.
I’m extremely grateful for my friends.

I really think its better this way. July 17, 2009

There’s times where I’m not thinking about him, the shit he did, or them together; but most cases, its always in the back of my head.

It causes quite the headache, lemme tell ya.

Like I’m truly over him, I’m not jealous, I’m just really really hurt. And it sucks, cause I’m not a big cryer, I’m really not. But yet its all I’ve been doing the last few weeks.

I HATE it.

I have never been so upset and depressed in my life, seriously.

Anyways, I’m sick of this blog basically revolving around the drama of him, so I’m going to attempt to sing a different tune in future posts.

My friends.. July 9, 2009

are pretty awesome. Got bday wishes from several, some even REALLY early and some from people I didn’t expect to hear them from.
A few people I kinda wished I would’ve even heard a ‘hi’ from, much less a ‘happy bday k bye’ from, but it doesn’t bug me really, haha. Going to sleep after like.. 30+ hours of being awake. I’m exhausted. Party tomorrow.

Don’t worry, I can’t run that far. July 6, 2009

Better now.
Still depressed, sure, but you know what, I shouldn’t wallow.
Whenever I get real bummed like that, I like to go out with friends or just go do something distracting, otherwise it gives me time to think about it, and I didn’t want to think about it, haha.

Things are good. Went and played lots of lotto tickets, didn’t win shit, hahah. I thought I was feeling lucky, apparently not.

Literally everything I’ve said and haven’t said about the last few months. July 6, 2009

I knew he lied about a lot of things, I HOPED he wasn’t, though. I gave him the benefit of a doubt, that when he said ‘no, not lying’, that he was being a decent guy and being honest.

He wasn’t.

Honestly.. I only liked the attention at first. the first ‘date’ I thought only happened cause he liked ME. Which wasn’t the case apparently. However, after the first ‘date’ and talking for weeks, I started to actually like HIM by the time the second and third and fourth ‘dates’ occurred.  So when we slept together the first time, I didn’t want to believe I was used, just because I really liked him by then, and I assumed he thought the same way. Well once he ignored me for a week and then was like ‘oh this isnt working, fyi’, I figured it out pretty quick that he just wanted a quick bang. I never admitted I knew it, just cause I guess if I would’ve said aloud “yeah I know he used me” then I’d like.. know it for real? Man. I don’t know.
I still kinda liked him, but ignored those feelings so I could just pursue a friendship. Although I wished in the back of my mind things were different, I had to grow up and accept it was what it was. I was doing okay with it too, I was even to the point where I was barely liking him in that aspect anymore.

Then we slept together again.. which.. it WAS me that initiated it. Only because I KNEW he wanted to. I was all ready to leave and he was the one who kept me around. And I did want to as well.. just.. not.. I don’t know. And he told me he still liked me, BASICALLY almost said he loved me, said he didn’t want to leave me, and then said he didn’t like her.

well guess fucking what.

he lied about all that shit.

I had a feeling it was lies the second he spoke it.. but again, I just WANTED to believe he was being honest. And plus I was back where I started, but even more; I really really really was liking him, like I’ve never felt this way about someone before. It wasn’t JUST sex to me. It was.. I don’t know. With everyone else, it was ‘just sex’, didn’t mean anything to me. I felt bad afterwards, sure, but it never like.. meant anything at all to me.

But he did. Being with him did.
Then he goes and makes out with her and does a bunch of other shit.. man. (I’m sure there’s more to all of this, but I respect that no one wants to inform me more so they don’t have to listen to me whine, haha.)
Its not even that he’s with her that bugs me most.
Its that he lied about every fucking thing he’s said to me.
And the fact that I let myself get close enough to him to let it hurt like this.

I’ve literally never been so like.. hurt in my life. I mean.. I’m not even crying. I’m not even like, punching the walls from being pissed. I just feel.. I don’t know. Empty or something. Its literally the worst feeling in the world, and this is the first time I’ve ever felt this, ever.

And I really truly do know he’s not worth any of this, at all. Its just.. so hard to not be hurt by this.
If I see him out places, its going to be hard to even look at him, seriously. Not because I feel anything for him, because I daresay every single thing I thought of him is completely gone now. Like, I’m so upset that I probably couldn’t talk to him for a while. A long long while. And I’d be okay with that. I don’t hate him, I don’t wanna like, punch him or anything that girls do when they get all shady and crazy, I just.. don’t want to see him. I don’t know man.

This sucks. I’m happy I know the truth so then I wont continue pursuing something that’s never going to happen, though.

I just wish the truth was from his mouth. That he could have the decency to be an adult.
Its not asking much, haha.

Seriously. I need a hug so bad. I just.. wanna cry. Haha. I didn’t when I found any of this shit out, just for the sake of like.. I didn’t want anyone to get annoyed, or make anyone feel awkward, or make them feel bad for telling me.

Seriously. I’m so depressed right now.
I know I’ll get over it. I have to. No one likes a negative nancy.
Just definitely put me through a wood-chipper.

Vomit. July 3, 2009

I saw some photos Heather put up of her and Jake.

I literally almost threw up all over, cause it made me nauseous to just look at that shit. I had to go outside for some fresh air and then come back in, because it was that disgusting.

I’m not kidding.

Brr. July 1, 2009

Its too cold.
I’m so tired. I gotta force myself to stay up a few more hours.
All this work for muthafucking Merlin.
My legs hurt really bad.
Aaaand I’m far too mellow right now for it to be normal.

FIN.

Wow. Okay. June 27, 2009

You know what pisses me off more than a lot of other things? Ignorance.

Most of the things I say aren’t important, honestly. But there are few things I mention that are EXTREMELY important to me,.. so I figure those closest realize that its something important too, at least enough to know to show some sort of reaction to it.

So when I texted one of these important issues to someone several hours ago, and I get no reply, I figure, no big deal. Its still early for some people.

But then I see them online on FB and motherfucking myspace doing time-wasting activities for the last few hours… well, kinda pisses me off they couldn’t even text back “Cool!” or anything else that would’ve taken 2 seconds for them to care about someone other than themselves, and take them away from their hours-worth of vain fun.
I’m sick of making excuses; I’m not even contemplating ‘oh well maybe the message didn’t send…’ because quite frankly, I’ve had to assume that was the case MANY A TIME at this point.

I get it. You’re clearly busy with important tasks.
Thank you for proving your douche-baggery once again.

I’ve decided I quite like this blogging deal. I can get shit off my chest without annoying others by whining about it, and once I put it on here, its easier to just.. forget about it, and not dwell on shit. Its nice. Whining via blogging def always puts me in a better mood. Hahahhaah.